~It's 3AM I must be lonely~

It's not actually 3am, but 2:32, though most likely it will be 3am by the time I finish this post. I'm not really sure what I'm going to talk about, I just felt a need to post. This usually happens when I'm overly tired (too tired to do anything productive) but can't manage to fall asleep. That probably means that alot of my posts are just random ramblings, but its still good to get stuff out and it will help me ready to fall asleep.

Work last night sucked so badly. I made mistakes in orders on something like 3 in a row, and I was feeling like a total idiot and with the angry customers moreso feeling like shit. It was bad enough to the point that I didn't want to go to work today. But I did, and it was actually a good day. Well it sucked that I was there most of the day from the tiem I got out of bed, but I didn't make any mistakes, and had mostly nice customers. And the tips were great. I made again over a hundred dollars not counting my wage. It's kinda funny too having guys hit on me left right and center (customers and employees both). I never thought I'd be in a status where I would be regarded as a girly figure that deserved hrm...'appreciation'. I'm sure everyone hits on the actually pretty girls I work with 10x more than myself, but just the fact that I'm not excluded from the whole deal is new to me. I'm feeling really good about myself recently. I hope I continue to lose weight like I have been, and when I get my haircut next week, everything is gonna be fun :P

Having sent a random message to someone on my msn list that I hadn't spoken to in over a year I started to do that whole memory lane thing yet again. Apparently Jungle came back up again and has been doing well for the last little bit, and surprisingly a good sum of the playerbase previously had returned to check it out. And the guy I was speaking with was actually admin and helping keep the place balanced. Some people had been asking about me, but hadn't been able to get in contact with me to get me to come back, because the few that had my contact were busy at the time. Mentioned that I'd prolly log in to check the place out once again, I discovered that it went down that very day, and from my checkups hasn't come back up since. Not that I'd get back into mudding again but I felt suddenly like talking again with people I've missed in the last year or two or three. This of course led me back to AoD again.

I remember the first time I retired on there I came back to find that half of the 120 people on my friends list had disappeared. Well since my current retirement, just checking now I see that about 27 or the 60 remaining friends have also disappeared. The majority of the rest havn't been logged in for 51 or so weeks. It wouldn't seem to bad I guess if I continuously placed that game still, but I don't and barely know anyone who is still on there. The gameplay got boring so fast on there and not much was really left on there but to chat with friends, and that is gone basically now too. Out of anyone tho that i'd liek to talk with normally (tho I don't talk with them normally) are for the most part on my msn or aim list.Some such as Shadow are not and I miss him and others. This then led me to checking out the billions of contacts I have on my msn and aim as well as their profiles.

It's sad that everyone on my contact lists have at some point within the last 9 years been close friends in my life and whatever revolved around my life at that time, and yet I talk with none of them now safe for the recently added buddies from current affairs in my life. I've been trying to say at least hello to these golden friends of mine over the past few days, tho most havn't been available to talk. Others have been quite surprised to hear from me. Fun as always to catch up. I will most likely continue to catch up on oldies over the next few weeks, especially as I'm doing this powerpoint presentation for my class about a topic of my choice, which just so happens to be about meeting people online. Have been going through old pictures (bad for myself as I am so relieved I'm looking a lot prettier nowadays) and have been wowed by memories. One of the longest catchup I've found myself into has been Feklar. It surprised me that he still remembers me, as well as still adores Cam and I just the same as we did him when Cam first introduced me to him. Not to say I do not adore him now, but it's more to say that I hadn't really thought much on that past in a while. He now wants me to plan a trip out to the UK this summer. it would be cool, and I have other friends out there that have been trying to get me out to visit for a few years now. But I don't have the money or want to really explore the world at this time. Well I'm up for adventure of my own, but at the same time I kinda want that adventure to revolve around me finding a home for myself. Talking to him tho reminded me of all the good times I had hanging out with Cam way back when. He even sent me old pictures that even I don't have on my computer anymore (of course I wouldn't since I had to format the comp three times and sean delted old memory on my digital camera). I wish could go back to the old times when Cam and I used to hang out and do the craziest things ever. Getting each other jobs, sleeping out or over to each others, sneaking into that 18+ underground place, then going to the underground cafe or House Sanctuary every day after school, movies each friday until they closed that theatre down, wandering around Bowness like it was actually safe( good thing Cam wasn't around when I was attacked), flirting with all those guys, being totally rebellious in school yet doing so well and graduating(did you not think it weird that Cam and I didn't sit together at grad convocation? I guess thats when things started to go different between us. But that night was still wow. I remember being so depressed that night, or more so feeling lonely, but after the dance you didn't leave my side, and we drunkened ourselves up at one of the house parties, then left without a word and wandered the city in our totally hawt dresses. We somehow made it to your house then to Alexis' and then walked all the way to Bowness. We barely managed a few hours of sleep then we hoped onto a bus still feeling buzzed from lack of sleep and the bit of alcohol, then got out navals pierced. Taking art together with all those snobfaces and totally rocking them with our artistic talent (when we weren't skipping lol). We never got into the drama with anyone in particular which kinda made us friends with everyone, but together we gossiped forever and ever about everyone lol. Good times...so many of them.

One thing about my gaming or rather online experiences is that I'm always the last to let go on things. I don't like to see people distance themselves or separate from the group of current friends I accumulate I guess. Thats probably not a good way to describe it I guess, but as its now 3:20 and I'm more than tired, thats all I can come up with. After the great nuking on AoD and the majority of my friends left (forcefully) I still stuck around for 2 or 3 years after, playing and making new friends, tho very slowly growing a distaste for the place and realizing that which everyone who had already left had realized long before. I took a break before actually leaving there in which I spent my time on Jungle and made a whole new group of friends where I even went as far as to meet the people in a mud party in southern US. Then after everyone left there I returned once again to AoD. Alot of the gang went to SoA after AoD and by the time I got into that phase most people had lost the glamoured thought of building a huge lovely mud of their own. It kinda goes like that, and I went as far as to get FFXI to be closer to friends and gaming with them again. Though of course by the time I got the game, everyone else had already had it for like a year. Xerlic was already even a lvl 75 bard. It took me some time to adjust to the game and the gameplay and slowly I've grown into the spot where I love the game and could never go back to something like a mud. But I havn't even been playing for a year as everyone else had been when I started. So the glamour and fun is all still there in the game for me. Thats another thing, since I mentioned the word fun, I think I compared to most actually play the game for fun and only do things that are fun. Everyone else is so hardcore and will do all this stuff even if its making them depressed. Anyways, while I'm finding myself at the peak of my ffxi adventures, all the friends I've managed to gather for myself and adore are alot at the points where they themslves have had enough with the game. Just recently alot of them have started talking about leaving teh game and some have already gone and canceled their IDs for the game.
Its sad, or at least it makes me feel sad. How long will I continue to play the game before I too feel the lack of desire for the game? Going by the time everyone else went by, I still have at least a year to go, but will I maybe lose interest alot faster now that all the people I care about in the game are talking about and planning to leave?

Whats the worst is that all these friends that I've made on my own in the game and have grown to care about so much for, I'm now realizing that in a matter of a year or two, will just be those old names on the contact lists of my msn and aim that I no longer talk to. And some day 5 years from now I will message one of them and be like 'Hey hows it going?' 'wow long time no talk?' 'yea what you up to these days?' 'oh you know the usual' but I wont know the usual because I wont know these people anymore. Its depressing considering that I don't want to lose closeness with some of these friends.

But I guess it will happen and theres nothing I can do about it, cuz its not something youplan, it just happens. -.-