My warmth of winter

Sorry I havn't posted lately. I havn't been busy, but I havn't had anything to bitch or complain about either. Really I do that alot on here, but I figured since I hadn't posted for some time I would do so before the little things built up to the point that I couldn't post them at once..or something like that.

First my announcement...since I've now told everyone that I was avoiding telling before, I mind as well post it on here for everyone who doesn't even care to read as well. I'm leaving Calgary sooner than planned. I've decided that I couldn't handle living with my mother any longer, so I checked out the college in the area where my father lives. They have the same program I'm taking at SAIT and so I've requested a transfer, for next semester. My transcripts are already on there way there, and I will hopefully be registered around December 1st. I never pictured myself living with my father for any period of time longer than a month, but it seems like that will be the case. It's going to be so weird..so different. I hope I enjoy it though. There really is nothing in Fort St. John, especially compared to Calgary, but the way I see it I don't really go out clubbing or anything anymore so what does it matter whether I'm in a big city or a growing town? Then I looked at the fact that I have no friends up there, and thought it again doesn't really matter as the only people I hang out with here are the girls I attend classes with and so I'm sure I will make more friends up there. Plus I will have my siblings there to talk to me when I'm bored, and annoy the hell out of me at all other times. I will get to take my computer up there with me and have it in my room with internet access. So my blog posts wont cease!

I've been worried for some time now about having to actually tell my mother about my leaving. Despite her being the main reason of me wanting to leave, I didn't really want to tell her and have her upset or angry at me, and have to live in hell for the time that I had to remain here until I left. Also it's not a great idea to leave with hate in the heart. I don't want to block her from my life completely. Like...maybe once I move to New York I will visit her...once ever few years. So here now it is only several weeks away fromt he time that I leave and I only told her on Thursday. I know that's harsh, but it took alot of courage for me to tell her. Oddly enough, she didn't get upset, she didn't yell, she didn't cry. And as good as those things are, it was sort of ennerving. Same thing she told Keith and he's questioned me since, but he sounded completely neutral about it. With him I assumed I'd get the same "you've ruined your mothers life and you're hurting her more" speech, or I'd see him jumping for joy to get rid of me. But they're so quiet and uncarring about it. I guess that's good though, because I can still have conversations with them now, which means I should be able to do so once I leave. My mother sort of put it at the time that I told her that she 'couldn't understand why I'd want to leave, but she was okay with it, and that she guesses she doesn't really need to know why I want to leave'. Since I told her she's been working like all the time, she stopped home last night only to go straight to bed and she was gone before I woke this morning....I know she's not avoiding me because she is working, just still kinda ennerving. Anyways, I guess its' all good if she's not upset I'm leaving, though I know she doesn't really like the idea of me leaving her to live with my father. But she has agreed to ttake care of Cura for me and to take Baby to the vet to be put down as soon as she has time and money. I'm glad in that sense that I don't have to be the one to have baby taken to be put down.

The person mentioned in previous posts as being the one I have feelings for has confronted me, and I've admitted to this person that I care for him very deeply. We've started a relationship and I must admit it is the best feeling I've felt in a long time. It feels so real too, not like any relationship I've been in before and it's only just starting. I feel totally comfortable and happy with everything about him and the relationship. I don't have to be fake, it's all so perfect. And it's made everything that might be difficult or upsetting seem not so bad.

So I'm feeling really good lately, and it's winter time, which makes everything so odd. I'm usually down and full of complaints during winter. And we havn't even had any heavy snowfall lately, I havn't even complained about the cold in weeks. It's like a sunshine has been shinning over me to keep me warm and happy. It's hard to explain it any other way.

Anyways I'll be off now. I gotta steal wool from sheepies on ffxi :P I'll post again soon...most likely to complain that my research paper isn't done and is due soon and that I shouldn't have wasted my time stealing wool from sheep

how a day can change

It's kinda interesting how a day can change between bad and good without you even realizing it. I guess though that it happens alot. Today was a good example.

Today, Friday (usually everyone is yay Friday!!!) is probably my least favorite day of the week now that I'm back in school. My classes start at 9am on Fridays, meaning I have to leave the house to catch city transit by 8, meaning I have to be up and getting ready by 7 or earlier. I'm not much for a morning person, and so it's been typical for me to skip my morning classes if not the whole day of a Friday, though today I had to attend right away as I had a paper due for the first class of the day.

On that subject, my paper was for business the class I believe I may be failing, and the paper didn't have the 150% effort I should have put into to get my mark to knock back up. But it was well enough that I do not believe it'll make my mark any worse.

So I wake up at quarter to 7, and I have a headache, plus my stomach hurts (I always get a stomach ache when I force myself to wake up when I'd much rather continue sleeping, and this has led to quite a few jokes of how I might be pregnant with my constant morning sicknesses). I can hear the wind beating madly outside, making me believe there is a storm, which obviously doesn't brighten my mood. I stumble to the bathroom and grogily make myself ready for what seems like an already horrible day. I don't bother to put on any makeup, I barely even bothered to remove the dark shadows from under my eyes... I tied my hair back with only a few comb-throughs of my brush...not like I need to impress anyone. I look for some food I can stomach to eat as I know by the end of the long day of Friday classes I will be starving and I havn't the money to buy anything from any of the caffeterias there currently (well have money but I really shouldn't spend it). All I can find that I'm willing to eat is a banana with a glass of milk. Then I ponder heading out to gather my stuff and maybe check my mule on ffxi before leaving, but realize that I have yet to put any clothes on and proceed to grogily do that as well.

By the time I'm totally ready to go, I should have left 5 minutes before then, and I stumble out to the street not quite caring that I am still wearing my slip-on-house shoes or that I didn't even check to see if asshole was out and about for a possible attack. I catch a bus. Oh how I hate city transit. It's normally withstandable when I go to my usual afternoon classes because only myself and a few old people ride the bus in the afternoon. Its quiet and relaxing. But in the mornings the bus is packed to the point that by the time it's gotten to my stop there is no room for me to sit down and I have to find a place to plant my body so that i'm not in the way (very difficult to do because it's so crowded). Everyone is very very loud, talking of unimportant things to people sitting next to them, who obviously don't care because they too are preoccupied with their own lives--my headache worsens. The lady in front of me is wearing far too much perfume, I wish I owned a gas mask. Finally I arrive to kensington so I can walk for a bit to the train station.

Kensington is always so dreary in the morning, even tho it's normally probably my favorite place in Calgary. The kitty that lives in the store of my favorite used bookshop sits expectantly at the door, waiting for the owner to arrive and bring the place to live--she looks at me sadly knowing I cannot scratch her behind the ear right now..not with the glass separating the two of us. Not only the bookstore, but no other shop is opened yet, except for the coffee shop that I now dislike quite a bit, and it would seem like a ghost town, if not for the nonstop rushhour traffic breaking what would be a wonderful silence and causing my head to ache more. None of the usual people that I would give greeting to are sitting around...they like the shops, do not become alive until 10 or so. The wind that I had originally thought to be a storm, was not but a harsh piercing wind that made my jacket feel like nothing more than a piece of silk. It blew my hair around in a frenzy that I know would be a bitch to comb out later when I got home--I was lucky I tied it back so it wasn't in my face. As I continued through kensington a huge transport truck, which I'm sure would not dare tred through these small roads mid day when cops are on patrol, rushed past me and it's wide load scratched across the top of a tree that I happen to be just walking under at that time. Pieces of leaves and flakes of ice came tumbling down on top of me, and I quickly attempting (though failed) to prevent the flakes of ice from falling down my shirt. I scurried off feeling quite miserable to the train station which luckily came just in time so I wouldn't be late, in fact would be a few minutes early, for class.

I stepped off the elevator to the 9th floor of the tower where my first class would be and I find my group of friends all cuddled together next to our door chatting away. I walk up to them and they all spot me and have a puzzled look on their faces. "What did you do to your hair?". I nearly burst into tears and Shannon gives me a hug, then they all start to laugh and pick pieces of leaves from the tangled mess that used to be my hair as I tell them what kind of day I'm having. "So this is why you never come to class Friday morning" joked Nicole. I'm glad they all saw the funny of the matter, though my head still pounded, and they reassured me it was because there was a chinook rolling in (though it did not feel like it at the time). Nicole then told me her plan that we all just pass in our papers, then take off as there was no real important lectures today. I without hesitation agreed, and we all took the train together, me parting them to go through kensington once more to return home.

Upon arriving home, I took Grey's advice from the night before and had a wonderfully long hot shower, making sure to wash out every twig and leaf that managed its way into my hair, and I scrubbed the cold away from my body limb by limb. Once out of the shower, my stomach feeling better I made myself some soup and climbed into the most comfortable fitting clothes I could find and made my way out to my shack. Nobody appeared to be online, so I checked my flowers and my mules on ffxi as I slowly ate my soup. My headache was easing as there was no noise and no wind to beat against me. Once my bowl was empty I climbed onto the couch and slept soundlessly for many hours.

I woke up with Cura curled tightly against my back pushing me up against the side of the couch it what could have been uncomfortable, but is never thought to be when you see how cute of a kitty she is. I eased myself up and sat myself at the computer, still bundled up in my warm moon blanket. I was no longer feeling bad, but in a much better mood. I chatted a bit and worked on my ffxi site (links on the side remember) as I farmed on xi.

Upon one of the conversations of the many chattings I had, I found myself confessing something to someone that I hadn't expected I would for at least another year. That someone had actually confronted me about it to where I had to say it, but I'm pretty sure I had given idea to that person that I had a confession to make. I had wanted that someone to confront me about it, I wanted to say what I said. What I needed to say. And now that I've said it, I feel so much better. I'm not sure what will happen because of what was said. I'm hoping nothing bad.

Now I'm sitting here relaxing, waiting for Grey to finish his d&d game so we can chat, while I farm the impossible drops of lizard skins on ffxi. Reflecting on how the day ended up not being that bad. It *is* Friday, and I didn't attend any classes yet didn't miss any important deadlines...and I don't have to worry about waking up tomorrow. A chinook really did roll in, and now that the wind had died down, it is very warm outside, to the point that I can walk outside without a jacket. With my headache gone I'm listening to some nice Default songs. Even though it came out unexpectedly I got to let someone know something that had been building up inside of me.

Sorry if this turned into another long post...this one was only meant to be short. Perhaps I'll go work on my site some more now..g'night

Butterfly in my hair

Sorry I havn't posted in a while, I havn't had much to say to make a full post, plus I've been busy with class, ffxi, and more recently, working on a website for ffxi, which i've now placed in a link under My Stuff on the side there. It's not finished yet, but it's gonna be my guide to gardening on ffxi.

Parents
Still fightight as usual, it's really an amazing day when I don't get into an argument with either my mother or my stepfather. Or more so since it's winter a little more relaxing. Keith is usually in bed by 7 now because he must be up real early to plow snow and my mother has taken on more hours because I suppose she is having troubles with her bills. The main real subject at argument point between us now would be heat. They didn't get a rebate back from the gas company this year and so they're on the rampage to now use heat right now, which is totally stupid because it's gotten to negative degree weather now. They want me to keep the shack heater at only half notch, when it's u sually at 3/4 notch to be able to stay even slightly warm. Normally at 3/4 it's still kinda cold because there is a gap between the frame and the door, as well as the double window...so I keep a blanket stuffed under the door to prevent air from getting in through there, but not much i can do about the window. And now I'm having to bring the heat down to 1/2, I can almost see my breath in the air and the floor is so cold I dare not step off the carpet, and it's just as necessary for me to wear my jacket (or hoodies or multiple shirts/sweaters) in here as it is outside. Not to mention that the little old walk-in-closet that is now being used as my room is one of the only rooms that has yet to be insulated properly (still old style of the ancient house of theirs that used to be insulted with wood chips) and so I now have a count of 7 blankets on my bed. And since the bathroom is right on top of the hot water tank, I usually rush there first thing in the morning just to get the feeling back in my body...I do like the way it feels like a sawna in there. Yeah...anyways

classes
Hmm well I guess I've really gotten back into the habbit of skipping, mostly right now because I either wake up feeling in a bad mood, or if I'm just cold.....not a good thing I guess. Out of marks given back I got a B+ in computer theory, a D+ or C- in business, and an A- in English language *bog*. Not good for business as I believe that would count for a fail, but hopefully I can bring it back up before the end of the semester. My typical friends that I hang out with now while there have come to accept that I don't attend every class, and that I can still manage to keep my grades equivalent to theirs. They all seem really nice, though one of the girls whines alot about how she doens't think she'll make it through the course, when we all tell her that her grades are just as good as ours. I want to tell her all t he time to just calm down and she wouldn't stress out so much, and also that she looks fat cuz she always wears sweat pants. I know that last part is mean...she's really not much bigger than I am, but I definately don't wear sweats out in public and the fact that she only wears such....ladies plz....sweat pants make a chubby butt look like a fat ass.

winter
sucks. I hate being cold. I hate shivering. I hate slippery ice. I hate snow. I hate how it gets dark at 4pm. I hate how my kickass boots don't have ice grip. I hate how no matter how well I bundle myself up, snowflakes always manage to fall down my shirt. I hate how winter makes everyone in a grumpy or rushed mood.

people who can't drive
In the middle of crossing the street a few weeks ago, a guy stopped at the lights pulled out (while in the middle lane) to make an illegal right turn. He was unable to make this turn because my body was in the way. He smacked me right in the leg and I kinda fell ontop of his hood. He made no attempt to get out of his car or to apologize for hitting me. He just sat there with a rather dumb look on his face and slightly lifted his arms as if to say "I don't know what happened". This of course angered me to the point where I pushed myself up off his car and kicked his bumper while giving him the finger. "What the fuck are you doing?!?!" was my reply to his ignorant gesture and stupid driving skills. Still he made no attempt to do anything, and I'm glad I was not the only one who had been crossing the street at this time. A lady helped me across the street, as I was openly limping because he did smack me quite "nicely" on the leg. At the same time 3 men who looked ready to settle this problem with a few throws of the fists, started shouting challenges like 'where the fuck did you learn to drive' and 'you could have fucking killed her!!' but by this time the light had turned green in his favor and again he pulled out (without anyone actually in the way of his driving this time) and once again made that illegal right turn then sped away. I'm really lucky he didn't hit me harder than he did, I found myself unable to walk for a few days and my leg was a giant black bruise. Those who helped me across the street wanted to take me to the hospital but I refused. I ended up being ok, but still. PEOPLE: learn to fucking drive. Don't make illegal turns and if you hit someone, don't run. That guy is fucking lucky I didn't get his plates.

Jobs
Finding myself low on cash since I must continually make payments on my mastercard, and it's been more than two months now since I've left Safeway, I went out searching for a small place I could work a few shifts a week just to have a little bit of spending cash for myself. Kensington (where I got hit by the car no doubt) was the ideal place for me to work since it's between my school and my home, and it has nice hours (nothing earlier than 9am in the morning). So as soon as I saw the help wanted sign go up in Timothy's, I put in my resume. Two days later I got a reply asking me for an interview, and thereafter was informed that I was hired. I worked only 4 shifts, then was fired. He hired me totally understanding that I had no experience with coffee, but his reasoning upon releasing me was 'I wanted someone with more knowledge about coffee, and you are not learning at the pace that I have expected of you' (and never once did he even attempt to teach me how to make any of the coffees). However, during the shifts that I did work, he got me to do numerous types of cleaning, from under all the cupboards, the bathroom, all the dish types, up on the shelves, and even in his back room--which had a cake of dirt several inches thick as if it hadn't been cleaned in years. Gets me, the new person, to do all this odd stuff that might not seem appealing perhaps to other employees...and then gets rid of me......is it just me or does it seem like he hired me only for a small period of time to do cleaning that nobody else wanted to do? Grrr. I hope that asshole gets his shop egged sometime. Yesterday I put my resume into Trend, a different type of clothing store, also in kensington. Hopefully I'll hear back.

Secrets
I, as I'm sure many others do, have lots of secrets. I chose to sometimes tell these secrets, but not usually. Sometimes there are feelings that most would say I should share with whomever they might have to do with, but I usually chose to turn those feelings into secrets. Maybe sometimes there is a case where there are feelings for someone that you might have told these feelings too before, but then never acted on the feelings when times of opportunity arose, or that you might have acted in another way to cause that person to believe there are no feelings for that person, and now the feelings are even stronger and you want to tell that person but you don't because you feel that that person will not believe you because of how you acted before after telling them last. So it becomes a secret. One that bites at you. I hope someday I can tell all my secrets to someone.

Rumors
My family is sooooooooooooooo big, and sooooooooooo full of gossip. My family ranges all across Canada (with the except of those that live in america and those that live in germany--they are excluded from the gossip cuz they really don't give a shit) and no matter when or where something happens, the gossip starts, and spreads across the country until everyone of my family members has some form of rumor usually about something that isn't true. To give you some idea of how big my family is, I'll say that I have more than 15 aunts and uncles on my fathers side, and more than 20 on my mothers side. And all of them have at least 2 children. And the gossip can quite literally drive you crazy if you pay attention to it. I really try not to, I don't stay in contact too much with my family since we moved to Calgary. Mostly that is because my mother wants nothing to do with her family, she's started a new life and I got tragged into it. But every now and then I do here stuff...stuff that really makes me wonder. Let me give you an example.
I have a cousin Tracey. I'm Stacy. Needless to say, since she and I both have red hair and are around the same age group, some of our family members have a tendency to mix the two of us up. You might say, oh how easy it could be to mix these girls up their names sound similar, they both have red hair. But I think not. I'm probably the only one out of my cousins that is actually attending a post secondary educational institute, I've held high grades all throughout school, I work hard and have been in the news on many occasions for things I've done like being in art shows and being the youngest volunteer in records back home. All that goodie stuff. Tracey on the other hand was probably the first of all my cousins to drop out of high school, and the first to try hard drugs, or to run away from home, or to hitchhike across the country. (I really didn't intend that to make myself look good, but really if you were in my family and you knew the two of us you'd see me as a complete angel compared to her who would be considered the badass or the troublemaker)
Anyways.
So Tracey, who is living in BC, gets pregnant. And so the gossip starts. I'm sure it starts in BC, and very slowly travels east (totally skipping my mother and I since as mentioned before we don't listen for this stuff) until it reaches the worst of the worst in gossipers: Newfoundland (back home).
So my phone rings. It's one of my cousins from back home.
"Stacy!"
"Heya, longtime no hear, whats up?"
"Why didn't you tell me??????"
"Tell you what?"
"About you coming back home!!"
"Uhm I'm not coming home...I'm going to college remember?"
"So you're going to get married in Calgary?"
"WHAT????"
"he'll fly to Calgary for you two to get married?"
"I'm not getting married! What are you talking about!?!?!"
"You're not getting married????"
"No!"
"So you're going to have the baby alone?"
"OMG WHAT????"
"Why wouldn't you tell me you were pregnant, we used to be so close when you lived here, and now I have to find out from Uncle SoandSo that you're gonna have a baby"
"I'm not pregnant! Why would you listen to Uncle SoandSo, he's whacked out on drugs!"
"Aww Stacy, where did you hear such a rumor, Uncle SoandSo's not on drugs!"
"......"
"so...you're not pregnant?"
"No!"
"not even dating anyone right now?"
"nope"
"hrm...that's odd then..." ~~~Convo goes on a bit and really isn't as crazy, but it makes me look into things to find out what the hell was being said~~~
Apparently Tracey got pregnant on a trip back home by some random Newfie, and was still in BC. She has no intention of getting married (even if she knows who the father is) and no intention of moving to Newfoundland. I have no clue what she will do with the baby.
But that's how the rumors developed.
Quite crazy.

Anyways, I'm done for now..thanks for reading, as usual...don't forget to leave a comment :)