that whole memory lane thing

So I was just reading Xerlic's recent post about his history with the internet, and it was a real walk down memory lane. It's hard to believe that we've all known each other for about 6 years now. Not only did I over time change the things I did online, but over my time online I changed. Of course as I read Xerlic's post the radio announces 'and here's a little walk down memory lane' and they play some INXS. That always gets me too, listening to good old music it just takes me back to when I first started listening to that band. *sigh* I love it

I remember before 6 years, I lived back on the island in the smallest little place with maybe a pop. of 2000. I knew only 2 people who owned computers with internet. They were from richer familys in the community and of course it was dialup. I remember I'd go over to Wendy's house after school and we'd spend the evening going on this one chatline..it was either called alamak or almanak or something like that lol. Back then stats had a whole different meaning to me...it was age sex and location. Nowadays it's more like str, int, wis, mnd, dex.

So 6 years ago we move out west to the prairies and I'm in a huge city, and it's such a big deal because we've got the whole 'I'm in the money' glow about us. Almost immediately I got my own computer and the internet (no not dial up but cable!!! It was the coolest thing^^).

At first I used it only to chat with everyone back home, who were slowly getting their own internet connections themselves. I tried to go back to that chatline, but well it's not as fun without a friend, unless you're into that cybersex thing. I remember at that time too, I was still that little girl who had perfect grades, did everything by the books, and dressed and acted like a tomboy. I remember my hair was so long it went past my butt back then *regretful sigh*

Then that whole deal happened with my mother abandoning me, and I went through my biggest change in life. I shut myself off from everyone who really knew me. For a whole week I had myself locked into my room and during that time the old me was lost for good. I did some stupid things at that time (cut my hair up past my ears as well as some other things I'm not proud of and therefore wont mention). From this change, I never came home on time, actually I spent as little time home as I could. I discovered the easiness of sneaking into clubs, and I discovered the Underground. I also discovered weed. I lost my virginity in a very bad way. And lots of other stuff. This is probably also the time that I changed from the tomboy to the girl who liked guys.

I was totally straying down the wrong path, and if it hadn't been for people like Cambria...who taught me about being a girl with attitude, and Lynx..who introduced me to fantasy, I would probably be dead. Once Princess introduced me to fantasy, it made me remember old DnD talks I'd overheard Wendy's older brother always going on about (I used to be frightened of Wendy's brother because I used to be so meek and he was slightly older and a bigger guy who was always into fantasy and at the time that I lived in nfld I knew nothing about it...but I recently spoke to him-ok maybe a year ago now-and we struck up the best conversation ever--had he not been Wendy's brother I'd have asked him out lol) and so I sought out the internet for something similar to it though I knew not what. I ended up being introduced to RP by Aaron from back home.

Before I knew it Aaron had (in his search to supply me with a game of rp) come across AoD. And there commenced the greater part of my gaming career. Aaron seemed to hit the game up perfectly and knew exactly what to do, though I must admit I was the biggest clueless newbie of all time. It took me several months to actually get a knack of the game and make a name for myself. I twas around that time that all my gaming friends appeared. I was totally addicted to this game and I would spend every second I could playing it. It was because of this that my stepfather (who wasn't even my stepfather at the time) convinced my mother to create a time limit for me on the computer. I was only allowed to have one hour a day on the computer (two on the weekends) and for anyone who's experienced online gaming you know one hour a day isn't a enough time to breath. I was so meek back then and my parents had me totally frightened of 50 year old men meeting up with me via online and killing me (which is very ironic considering my current best friends are people I met online and I was attacked by my 60 year old nextdoor neighbor), that I would usually lie about my age or whereabouts on there if I even said anything about myself. Had anyone mentioned about meeting up back then I probably would have been frightened away from the game.

And because I'm sure this has become long enough as it is, I wont go over my gaming experiences of the next 5ish years but only the main points: how the Great Nuking of AoD bonded a group of us into a tight friendship (some of these people even went on to create their own mud which of course is SoA and will hopefully sometime pick itself up into a greater game than AoD ever will be) I went on to trying some *gasp* graphics games such as diablo and now I'm addicted to ffxi and even consider myself healed from the addiction of MUDing. Between all happenings online and rl I developed an attitude and I'm not really as quiet as I used to be. I'm no longer shy about myself and I don't lie about things. I've even gone as far that I've met up with all my favorite people from this bonded group previously mentioned (except Shadow!!! But he's still around so maybe someday! btw 'Juele''s heart is always set for Shadow hehe). In fact it's become a yearly thing for me now to go visit Grey during the summer which includes everyone else in that area and I intend to move there once I finish college. KFJ, it's hard to believe we've only met up rl a year ago now, because it seems like we've known each other for years.

Everything has changed so much..I can't imagine what things would be like now had we all not had the experiences...and if our group had not met on AoD. Life would be weird methinks ^^. Friendships and more-than-friendships would have been lost....

*trails off in thought...*

why

So I'm not in a good mood right now. I'm not angry. I guess I'm feeling alone. Alone and sad. I had a dream the other night that I would feel this way once I moved away, but I have not moved away yet and am already feeling it.

I'm currently in a peaceful pause with my mother and her husband. They are not talking to me, and I am not talking to them. This causes no arguements and no progress in 'family relationships'. It's best that way.

I've been presented with ideas recently that I've found appealing, but wanted to consider all matters and aspects before I made any type of decision. I think I have done so already, but for the actual ideas I will not talk about them until the time comes, just because I havn't really told everyone about it yet.

I've got a headache right now. I don't usually get these. And this one feels different than any others I've had. It kinda hurts at the back of my head with every breath. It's making my patience and tolerance quite low. It makes harsh actions and words done towards me hurt more than what they were intended. Maybe it'll help to cry.

One of the persons I care most for right now doesn't want me to care for this person. Reasons unclear. Maybe its my heachahe that's not allowing me to understand and that is causing me to take the outcome of a conversation badly. Those harsh actions and words. I can't change things and the way they are, though I wish I could. I wish I could fastforward time for that might be the solution for everyone, and make lots of things better. But I guess I really don't know enough about anything to do anything about anything...... ...............I don't want to not think about these things, it wont make me feel better to be blind or uncertain or uncaring. But I guess nothing matters anyways, I can't change anything and certainly am not well at expressing myself or getting my meanings out properly. I can only hope for the right outcome in the end.


To change the subject a bit...a long time ago I'd signed up with a few friends to one of those matchmaker sites all just for fun. I'd totally forgotten about it completely until I checked my old email the other day and had a spamful of 'you have a new message on this site waiting for you'. So I went on the site to see why I'd have over 40 messages, and this in turn updated my profile. The messages had been from people trying to befriend me, I deleted them all. But in updating my profile, I started getting new messages from recent users. I actually replied to some of these messages. It's all a big mistake for I'm definately going to delete my whole stupid profile on there. In the last 3 days I've recieved over 40 messages from over 25 new people. The whole hookup deal is totally fake and very much stupid. And all the people I actually replied to seem to be very stupid or very crazy or very creepy. And some message me discovering they go to my school. Now I'm going to have some of these creeps looking for me on campus. *insert rolling eye smiley here* There's even one guy who's been trying all day today to give me the whole wink wink nudge nudge on how he wants a girlfriend for when he graduates this year to move back to his small town and get married and start a family!!
Anyways, yes I know all of that was very much stupid and it's totally my own fault for allowing myself to have an open profile displayed for all the losers to witness. All the same it's made me think alot these last few days. About dating mostly. I've never really dated. I've been in many many many bad relationships. And I've had the one night stands, and I've had the near-date-rape encounters. Always it was either the total planning for the futur type deal, or it was a totally lustful experience. Usually the longer lasting of my experiences with the other sex were with guys I'd already known for quite some time, and the dating aspect of relationship once commenced never really occured because I guess it did not seem necessary for we already knew each other. So I havn't been on that many dates, not with anyone I was ever to be serious with. I've never ever had anyone buy me flowers (except for my father when I graduated from highschool), even though I really do like flowers. My favorite bouquet type flower would be the blue rose, but Ican't even think of any guy who would even know that. The only time I've ever been taken to the movies in less than a group of people would be with KFJ or Cambria (back in the day when we hung out). None of that sappy stuff that everyone seems to go through eventually. And I know I'm not a sappy fritzy type girl, but well after doing my thinking...I feel I would like to actually experience this type of deal sometime. But does one need to experience this by meeting someone new? Does that in term mean I have to meet one of these overly forward beings from the matchmaker site, just to have someone to cuddle me when I'm cold, and take me out for a non-occasion, or buy me presents even tho I insist they not do so on any random day that isn't even a holiday? Any other option could maybe be 'oh well we know each other enough now, we're already past that stage'. Why does it have to be a stage. Maybe it's just because every relationship in the past has sucked for me and therefore I havn't really experienced these 'cute' things. But I think I'm going to have to tell myself that I should not come to yearn or expect such fancies, because I'm certainly not going to meet up with any of these losers, and I'm still going to care for those I care for, even if it does lead me to falseness or nothing at all.