crackwhore stacy

I can't remember this picture being taken, tho I imagine it was taken by sean or KFJ while I was passed out after one of our wild nights of drinking and/or drugs. It must have been sometime last year because my shack still looks tidy-ish. KFJ just sent this to me, looking back at our old party pics...and it just amuses me at how much I think of the words crack and whore when I look at it. I thought I would share it with you....just so you all don't think that all I ever do is rant about sucky life.

how do I continue

Since I'd managed to open my backpack and take out my texts, stare at them for a few minutes comtemplating which book I would need first and that I would indeed need to look at them all eventually, as I have alot of "homework" (I'm really not good with the concept of homework as it usually, to me, means dothisfiveminutesbeforeclassstarts-work), then decided I would start first with my computer theory assignment, I've come to the conclusion that I've already worked myself up to a break....and what a perfect time for me to post on my blog. I really shouldn't be taking breaks since I've got alot of work that needs to get done for the next few days of class, but well I guess that's just the way I am. I will do something productive I'm sure, once I finish this post. Just to let you view where I am class wise right now: I have calc homework due for the morning, as well as have some reading done for business and english. For friday, I have an accounting exam, and two computer theory projects due. For Tuesday I have any english assignment due, as well as my first business paper. Then for Wednesday I have my computer theory exam. I can't say I'm looking forward to any of that *-.-*

Now before I start my usual ranting (that above was not ranting, just me trying to give the old wink wink nudge nudge to the gods to help me out and maybe complete an assignment or two for me, or maybe zap one of my profs-can't hand it in if they're not alive *cackle*), I'd like to say how as I logged in I viewed some of the 'most recently posted blogs' and it was pretty interesting...alot of different people blog. Kinda neat to have a little peek into the lives of someone you don't know and never will know. Makes me wonder if anyone peeks in on my blog when I post, since I've chosen to have my blog to start being public. I wonder if people I don't even know stop to take the time to read my posts, like I just did to several recent bloggers. Well if you do read this, feel free to post something on my tagboard over there <----- it really does make my day to see someone post something there :)

Anyways, back to more real matters: I havn't been keeping au currant with my "homework" so it's building up, and this last week I've been fighting lots with my mother and my father came to visit me, so all in all I'm feeling a little stressed out.

The first of the fighting (this weeks fightings that is, since there is always fights occuring between my mother and I...we really don't get along, not since I moved to calgary) began over some trivial matter when she put down one of my friends a little too harshly when she didn't really know this person and was being totally judgmental. So I naturally defended this friend, and she got quite angry and said something loud and angry to me, and I replied with something similarily loud and angry. She then stormed out of the room muttering how she can't have a "decent conversation with me ever because of my attitude problem".

Then she started talking about me in a decent volumed tone with her husband in the other room. They did not even seem to wonder if I could hear them or not, since they both believe I'm 90% deaf or something, even tho I'm only partially deaf in one ear. Either that or they just didn't care if I did hear. I could hear them saying how I was a spoiled brat, who was lazy and had a major attitude problem. That I never clean up around their house, that I was raised to be a snob, and that I never tell them anything. After I got over the shock that they would say things about me like that, I couldn't tell if I was angry or bewildered of the things they actually said. 1) Me a spoiled brat? how can she think she spoils me when she never gives me anything? Everything I own I've bought myself with my own money! I even paid for my own tuition this semester. Or does she think that the fact that she doesn't charge me rent while I go to school (cuz she did charge me rent while I took last year off to work) is spoiling me and that I should be ever-so grateful. 2) Lazy!! I work as many hours as I can at a job I hate more than hate itself, but still work it so that I can have money to buy myself things I need and save up so I can get away from this place when I have time to. And I go to college full time. When I do have free time, yes I like to chat/hang out with friends, play ffxi or post on my blog....but is this being lazy? I think my stepfather is a good example of lazy: he works a few hours every day, driving a bobcat and things like that...then comes home and plants himself in front of the tv for the rest of the night, pigging out on junk food that he keeps hidden in his room. 3) She said I have an attitude problem wherever I go and whatever I'm doing....I find it hard for her to know this since, she's never anywhere I am, and never doing anything I do...so whoever informed her that I have an attitude problem surely is mistaken. The only time my anger rises to attitude issues is when I talk with her. 4) I have to agree that I really don't clean up around their house...but I have reasoning...main being: I don't make a mess in their house. I don't dirty their dishes, and if I do I wash them, they dont' feed me for the most part so I resort to buy my own groceries, I do my own laundry, and I'm never in their house to do anything aside from sleep....no mess at all from me. Yet there is usually a mess in their house, I would again blame Keith...but does he clean up? No. Why? Again, cuz he's lazy. Am I being lazy for not cleaning up someone elses mess? I'm not sure if that should be classified as lazy. 5) Lastly, no I don't tell them things. It is my life and since we moved to Calgary my mother has already decided she does not want to partake in my life....so why should I tell her about personal things? She knows nothing about me nowadays, and I know nothing about her. It doesn't bother me on my part, except for the fact that I would actually like to know the reasoning why she turned into a physco bitch....but I don't see that happening. Yet they get mad at me for not reporting my life to them.

Anyways, my father comes to the city on business this week. We arrange to get together monday and tuesday night for dinner and to talk. And as it was planned previously, he would bring me money for tuition for my next semester. Since I'd managed to pay for my first semester, I wasn't in much of a position to pay for my next one. My mother thought this was a terrific idea since she believed that my father was legally supposed to pay for all my schooling anyways. My father showed me with actual proof though that she was lying and the courts had never decided any such thing. But as a nice support family member and parental unit, he did still agree to help me pay for school. Cuz you know...that's what family is for. So we get together and have a good chat and drink our first beers together and all that stuff. When the topic of the money comes up he goes to give me the money, but I ask him to keep it for me until next semester and actual payment is due. Because I didn't want to spend the money on anything else. He agrees it's a good idea and that is that. My mother freaks out because she wanted me to give the money to her to put into her bank account so that she could hold onto it until semester. I cannot see a difference between my father holding onto the money or her holding onto the money, unless of course she'd just been planning on using the money for herself...which I really wouldn't doubt.

Putting all this nonsense aside, today was my mother's birthday. To me, birthdays are more important than any holiday, mostly because I'm not a religious person, and I'd much rather celebrate someone's aging of years. Let's take a moment and think of what she and her husband gave to me for my last two birthdays: the first year:nothing, absolutely nothing. the second year: without even a 'happy birthday' I was given a 20 dollar gift certificate to walmart...........
Now it's not the fact that I didn't get a gift per se, it's more that I was completely forgotten about one year and the next year I'd been given the dinkiest gift you can possibly give someone (walmart??? wtf) merely because it's a responsibility to give a gift. I wasn't going to let this get to me in a biased purchasing of a gift for my mother today...though it did cross my mind several times to buy her a gift certificate to some place I know she'd never shop...like grass roots or something. Instead I bought a card that said 'I Love You' with plenty of space to write your own comments tho I could think of nothing else to write aside from the signing of my name...and a huge 70 dollar basket of goodies from bernarde callebaut (the finest chocolate around).

Then I come home after classes with my loaded arms full of texts and a basket full of chocolate to find that she's been into my shack (I know this firstly because the door is wide open). Then I come in to see everything of my belongings has been moved around some. Not messily to look like my place was robbed or something, just in different places than I had placed them. All my mail (including credit card and bank statements) had been looked through (which bothers me the most out of everything because I really think she has no right to see any of that stuff, it is my personal belongings). I feel really invaded by it all.

With all this BS, I can only think of how much I want to move away soo soo so very badly. I get no respect from this "family" of mine, and I know the only way I can relieve myself of the stress it is costing me, is to just get away. And I can honnestly say I wont miss anyone. But I can't get away soon enough...and I don't know how much longer I can put up with all this.

I must be strong though right? Must not give up, just gotta keep my priorities straight and no matter how painful it might be or what I might have to put up with in the mean time, I must reach my main goals. The firstly main goal will be to move to New York as soon as I finish school. The second will be to finish school. Then it is to move out of this house asap. Then it is to get a car. And as much as it might be a hell right now to live in this place...it's not my top priority, and so I cannot move out if it will hamper my chances of finishing school or moving to New York after that. I need to work and save money to move to New York. If I am living elsewhere right now I might have to pay out more money and that might disable me from being able to save moving money. Also i might have to reduce myself to working more hours to be able to afford a place and saving money, and this might encourage me to skip classes or something of the like. Which isn't good. So I need to figure out financial situations first....and how much longer I can actually put up with the crap.

Anyways, as Fred told me tonight, I don't get anywhere about talking about this stuff over and over again, that I just need to try to take my mind off of it. So I guess I will stop ranting now...and since taking some drugs (to get my mind off of this) isn't the greatest idea...I think I'll reduce myself to returning to doing that thing called homework.

I quit!! or not..

Ok, so I deemed myself worthy or a day off from classes today....to recuperate from my slowly fleeting cold.........or to sleep in and then level Juele in blackmage. Whatever, both go hand-in-hand. So I got up after a nice mostly-peaceful sleep, had a shower, and hung out in my shack in my undies for the rest of the afternoon. I tried not to think of the information I'd be missing in my computer theory class, hopefully nothing more than what I can read up on later. Lvled blackmage somewhat with Atheldown and listened to music.

Then the time rolled around to head out to work. I got there and they annoyed because of the time I had missed last weekend while being sick, so I immediately handed them over two pieces of paper. The first a doctors note to actually prove to them that I had been sick the weekend and that they can go fuck themselves for not believing me in the first place, and the second piece of paper my two week notice so I was quitting, and they can go fuck themselves for pushing me to the point of quitting :P They (those at the cs desk) gave me odd looks at this point but didn't say anything, just send me to my till.

I worked two tills tonight, an express and a big till. Both sucked, and the night dragged on even though it was only a 5.5 hrs shift. You know you really hate your job when you're to the point that you actually have to convince yourself to attend each shift, and try to not reason yourself out of making some excuse why not to go. Or when 15 minutes seems like an hour, and you keep looking at the clock with some deep wish that somehow 5 hours has gone by and you can ready yourself to get the hell out of there. But it never does...the time just goes on forever, making you want to kill yourself, or maybe just scream, or maybe beat someone with a stalk of celery, or tell Mrs. Snotface to take her 'overpriced' baguette and shove it up her tight little ass. Such are common urges that run through me while I cash at Slaveway.

I swear the only thing that got me through my shift tonight was the thought that 'oh well at least I've given in my notice now....only two weeks of this hell to go and then I'm done forever'. But all my co-workers at the tills were rather unhappy to hear that I would be leaving. Apparently I'm an enjoyable person to work with around the till. I wouldn't stay just because I have friends that work in the same hell as me though. But then I went on break and had a chat with the general clerk boys. They all seemed surprised that I would leave too. They got me thinking on where I would work if I didn't work at slaveway right now. Here's the deal: I have classes until 5pm monday-thursday, so I can't really start until either 5:30 or 6pm (depending on the location of whatever job I acquire). Not alot of places are gonna wnat someone who is only available to work 4 or 5 hours a day, so they ask me perhaps I'm going to work weekends only? Well that's not very many hours of availability, and that would kinda suck for my social life alot, and might cause me to end up skipping more classes for a day of relaxation. But I tell them, I really hate being a cashier, so they tell me, why not just switch departments in the store? At least with safeway, I'm guaranteed to get some hours and not just on weekends so I have no life type thing. So by the end of my break and I go back to my till, they've got me thinking. It would really suck if I quit safeway and was unable to find any other job, or one that would only accept me on the weekends. Also, working at slaveway wouldn't be that bad if I didn't work at the front end anymore....no cashing, no fm, no customer service. I already knew for a fact that all the conveniant places I wanted to work were unavailable for me : the mall (since it closes at 9 and I could only work 6-9?) or kensington, areas nearby type thing.

So here's the deal: I took back my notice, saying I was having second thoughts and they desk people were glad to hear that.
What I intend to do: In the morning I plan to write a letter asking to switch departments. That I want into the produce department or general or variety. I'll give that a few weeks (I'd have to put up with cashing for a few weeks had I not taken back my notice anyways), and if I can switch departments, that will be fine and I will stay with Safeway. If they do not switch me into a different department and want me to remain a cashier, then I will quit.
What will I do if I end up quitting: I'm not sure yet....maybe I will suffer with putting myself through working weekends only. Or maybe I will wait out this semester and not work at all (which would be quite more relaxing, but would kinda suck without any money) and then try to ensure that next semester I have only morning classes so that I might have a better chance of acquiring a job that likes my better suited hours of availability.

And so that's that, what do you think? Post a reply in that box over there <------- See it? that thing called the Tag Board. Post something! :P Even if it's to call me a dumbass for staying with Slaveway even longer still.

Tata For Now, Sister

Just a little goodbye to my bestest friend Alyson who is returning to Scotland in the morning. I'm going to miss her lots again, and will have to wait yet another year to see her again. Do try to come back and visit often. Leaving Alex and myself here in the city unsupervised is probably not a good idea. We do tend to get into trouble.

Here is recent pics of Alyson and myself:




After being sick as a dog the whole weekend, Monday brought new energy to me and Alyson and myself headed out to the mountains for the day. Let's just forget that I skipped a few classes to do so, that's not important ;) Nothing like spending the day out in the rockies, minus the snow and cold. It's almost because a yearly routine for the two of us to spend a day out around the Banff area nearing or ending winter, and since this day would be the last day we'd see each other for a whole year, we decided to head out there.

The ride out was pretty good. It was full of little chatter and listening to old NOW cds. Though to stop to get gas was a little uncomfortable. As Alyson really thought the best place to stop would be the little gas bar on the indian reserve it turned out to not be the best choice as we were nearly-harrassed by an overly-horny attendant. As we drove away we both admitted we were glad the other was there; had we been alone the whole event would have been rather frightening.

The view there and back was extraordinary, as it always is. Clear blue skies allowing a great view of the wonderous glacier-carved mountains. We also so plenty of my familiar friends the mountain goats, elk and most importantly, the jackrabbits.

After first arriving in Banff we stopped at the old castle-turned-hotel, wandered around the majestic hallways acting mischevious, then had a bite to eat in the fancy tea room. I love that castle greatly, it's so much fun to wander around in. I still believe with all my heart that once Alyson becomes whatever type of ruler in the world she will be, that they will give her this castle to stay in whenever she returns to Canada, and because it will be hers, she can therefore....let me live...in half of it. Heck I dont' even need half of it.... just one branch of the castle wing in the back would be pretty damn cool.

After that we made our way around the little tourist town with all the nifty little shops and did our usual browsing at the overly expensive stuff. Then we walked some more and chatted about random or personal things. Once all that was done we then made our way back towards the candystore we always visit on our trips...though instead of getting our usual chocolate bark, we got ice cream. Since it was not yet cold enough for us to turn our noses up at the thought of ice cream. Then we returned to the car and drove around the mountains for anouther few hours then returned home. And that was our trip. Quite fun and relaxing.

Oh also, there was an old man that nearly crashed into us in Banff because he tried to do a Uturn in the middle of the busiest intersection in the whole town. I have no idea what could have been going through that old fart's mind as he tried to pull that one, but from all angles what he attempted looked very wrong....and this all furthers my oppionion that old people should not be allowed to drive. They cause too many stupid accidents.

I havn't much else to say at the time. I've been attending classes the rest of the week, and I never missed anything of importance on my little adventure Monday. I was harassed by some lady at the bus stop because she wanted to tell me badly about how I was going to go to hell unless I let god save me, and how satan was ruling the world and crap like that. And hmmm...what else....oh yeah I'm thinking pretty strongly that I'm going to give in my notice at safeway yet again on friday. But I will never go back after this time.

Chow

hurray (part 3)

Alrighty, so I met a bunch of great people in Ontario and it was really a great trip, even if it did cost me a pretty penney to fly down there. Did I mention that I saw a bunch of great bands at the stampede before going down there? I might have, but if not I will saw so now. I'm hoping that everyone I got to meet this summer will come up and stay with me for stampede week next summer just so we can hang out again and they can also see the great selection of bands we get.

After Ontario I spent another 3 days here in Calgary, before leaving to New York. I stayed there for 2 whole weeks this summer, and it was great. Well it started off a little quiet since it had been a whole year since Grey and I had seen each other, plus we'd recently had that horrible disagreement and there was nobody else around to break the silence. But since he and I are both quiet people to begin with, it wasn't so bad. The weather was great down there, I don't think it once went below 30 degrees and I wasn't cold once. Grey and I slowly started to open up and talk more tho by mid first week, and everything was great. The weekend was Stefenstock 04, the legendary yearly party held there, and it went quite well.



Unfortunately for me that's one of the only pictures that turned out of the whole bunch I took down there. My flash apparently didn't go off for any of the others and so you're unable to see anything in them. This one has me, then Fred, then Lindsey, and the leg of Joe. Grey was taking the picture, and others were scattered around the place. Those three I met for the first time this summer, but I got along very well with them. It was great, I still keep in contact with them all now.

After the party it was mostly just Grey and I again, but it was great, lots of shopping and going into the city and going to fancy restaurants, or my ultimate favorite: Wendy's. The day before I left, we even stopped off at a shop that we knew Bartol worked at, and I finally got to meet him. Bartol, aka the Moose, was an old aquaintance from AoD, and it was wonderful to meet him. Actually in going to visit him I think I picked his interest to return to AoD because he's now back. He gave me a cute little teddy bear too :) :) :) Actually he gave it to me to give to my sister since she had been wanting me to get it for her while I was in the US, but since it was a gift from a friend and it was cute, I've ended up keeping it for myself lol.

I left the next day, even though I wish I could have stayed forever longer :P My plane trip back sucked just like the trip there, and I've decided American Airlines sucks major ass. The weird guy who was at least 10 years older than me hitting on me didn't help either. Grey lending me his gameboy did tho, because I would have been bored senseless without something to do for the 8 hours.

So hmmm, well I got back into calgary and I paid for my tuition and books, then hung out with Alex and Alyson and even Kelda, who is now back in the City from her year long trip, for a bit, then found myself to be a little broke and wanted a job right away, so I resorted to the quickest place I could get : Slaveway. I have however been kicking myself for going back ever since. I'd hoped I'd be out of there for good, and now I am back. But it's to the point now that I can't stand going in for even an hour...so I've been searching lots for other jobs, and as soon as one I think I will like becomes available I'm gonna take it.

I was supposed to move out with Candace and Deb from work, as they just got a new place and need a third roomy, but as the time stands right now, I really don't want to, it would be a drag on my money, and though I do want to get out of here, it's not worth it to live with a bunch of people I don't think I'd get along with much. They were a little pissed at me for saying I might be interested in moving in with them, and then changing my mind. So now I'm still in Bowness, but at least I can collect money for later when I have people that I want to move in with, and also for my trip(s) next summer.

And now I have started school and you are au currant de ma vie! Hurray! (3) lol