1/05/2006

Another Year Gone By

Yes I know I havn't posted in forever and back again. I guess I've come to conclude that maybe I'm not as big of a computer geek as I once was or once thought I was. I'm barely around my computer these days unless its to talk to someone shortly on msn, pay my bills, or moments like right now when it is way past my bed time and I just can't sleep. So I hope for you few readers (if any) that you can bare with me and not really stay au currant with my life. Not like anything really drastic ever happens to me these days. I'm a hick girl now living in a small town. I feel like I've been laying low ever since the attack..I wonder if I'll ever be a big city gal again.

Though I'm sure theres lots of stuff i could talk about for updates in my life, since this is my first post since the new year (yes it is finally 2006) I'm going to try and do like what I did last new year and put together a yearly feeling gatherup.

Things I learnt in 2005:
Family has nothing to do with blood or marriage. I really wouldn't know how to describe 'family' now if anyone asked me. I've been cast away and hurt so many times by the people of which most people would consider to be my actual family. But I feel my family should be a select few of people who actually love me, and as for a summary of 2005 the only people I think I would categorize as my family right now would be Alyson and my current roomate. Maybe the exception for 2 of my stepsisters, megs and mal...but with them I love them because they are my friends, not my family...and yet they wouldn't be my friends if they weren't my family. For the majority I've felt my father and his family have given things I've needed but never really treated me with the love I deserved, and I was mostly excluded from anything family like in their family. While living with them this last year it really just felt I was boarding in their house or like I was some poor little charity case that they HAD to help because I was nearly killed at my last home. My mother and her family now (whatever that is) has pretty much forgotten about me. I've heard from my mother once since I moved to BC, and that was just a few months ago when she called to see when I could take my pets back. I saw her when I was down for my surgery, tho she never bothered to take even a day off to spend with me, and she even went as far as to forget to pick me up from the airport upon my arrival in the city. She hasn't given me a birthday or christmas present since before my 18th birthday. This christmas in which just past she even basically gave me what I would consider a slap in the face. She knew I would be spending christmas day with my fathers family and that my real brother would be there. She sent up a very large and expensive gift for my brother, and not even so much as a card for me. I'm not really sure what I ever did in my life to deserve whats been given to me, but I hope someday I can have a family.

If you really want to, you can break any addiction. I'm not really going to go into this one with any real detail. If you really know me you should know that I had several addictions in 2005 and I can gladly say I have broken all of them.

It is possible to completely change who you are. Even if it means being fake. I feel since I moved to BC I have become a totally different person. I take alot more care now into my looks and style, as well as my body. I feel I've never looked better in my entire life (excluding ages before the years of 5 when i was just too damn adorable) and that makes me feel good. I'm very very very much more sociable now then any time in the past when I was probably only very talkative when online. I'm far more outgoing and I make an even better effort to adapt to whomever I'm hanging out with so that I have made alot of friends since I've moved up here. Not all of them are my friends still nowadays, but I've definately had my share, and its led to an interesting time up here with plenty of parties, club friends, and whatever else. I try not to think about the past as much as possible now. It takes away alot of my fears that I had before, especially after the trauma of the attack, and alot of my sadness. I really just want (and its all I have ever wanted) to be happy. Someone told me that I've changed way too much and that I'm just being fake; being untrue to myself. But I feel happier these days, and that I am who I am-no matter what. I feel even if you have to be a little 'fake' or rather change a few things of yourself to make you feel happier and have things work out better with others, that you are still you and this isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Love. I don't think I really know what that word means. I sometimes wonder when I will get to experience it. I obviously don't get to experience it from my family. Since I moved up here I've dated 2 guys and slept with 3 (those of course definately not including any promises made by people i used to live around and now only speak with on msn). One of those guys was an immature prick, him and one of the others both cheated on me, and the other...well lets just say it all ended when i discovered he was living with a woman and their 3 kids. All my horrible relationships in my life have left me wondering if I can ever really be loved by someone and if I can be more than an apparent slut who is by far too easy to persuade into bed. I don't think anyone i've truly felt love for has loved me in return--heck I've never even been with anyone I felt I really loved. I only know of one person who has actually truly really loved me and I'm pretty sure I have destroyed all hope and futur for an 'us' between me and him. It was all my doing, but I wont call it a fault. It was a choice. I didn't feel I could return the love at this time--I wasn't ready or prepared for a futur I could have had with that person. I wanted to be more prepared with myself before choosing a future like that. I gave up alot in giving up the love from that person and I sometimes wonder if I will ever get to experience it again. Hopefully at least I will be prepared for love next time its offered to me. I feel when I discover someone likes me, even when (and especially when) I don't even like that person in the start, they just kinda grow on me to the point that I have feelings for them. I never really knew what these feelings were but now I feel that far too many times I mistook love for lust, and that my need to be loved has just far too often led me to having feelings and being with peolpe that I never ever should have been with. Its all just left me so weary.

Small Notes to Certain Friends (sorry I can't include all my friends but I'll just mention I few I feel will either read this and/or has really affected me this last year):

Zack: You have been my best friend since the day I met you. You are the one definate part about Fort St John that I will never ever regret. You've helped me out so very very much since I got here. You make me feel so much at ease and you've taken care of me since day one. Even though I know you've not approved of a few things that I've done up here, you've never judged me or shunned me away, just helped me get through those bad things when they were all over. Its people like you that are helping me be more confident in myself and helping me so much to forget all the horrible things in my past. I love you, you are my family.

Mallory: I'm sorry girlie girlie if I've really been pushing you away lately. You are still my sister even if not by blood. I want so much to look out for you all the time and I want to hang out with you lots, but we never ever get to because of who we both are. I've been so frustrated lately that I can't help you in any way and that I feel I might have been the root of a few of your love problems. I don't know how to deal with alot of the stuff, especially since we have the same 'family' and in my mind half the time I feel like I'm being told to just push you away with the rest of them. But I don't really want to, I love you. Thanks for being that one person I could talk to about guys and everything else that is girlie. You kept me from going lonely while I lived in our fathers house. Thanks also for sharing your small little bed with big ol me all those times that I was too drunk to make it down the stairs, or I was too heartbroken to sleep alone, or my storage room of a bedroom my father had given me was just too damn cold to sleep in. You try so hard to make everyone happy, you're such a great person.

Alex: I'm sorry everything went so bad between us this year. I want to feel like you changed to someone I didn't understand...but I don't think you really changed at all. I think I changed alot and I just couldn't deal with the old me, the old me that was best friends with you. Things really didn't go well with you living up here, and I'm sorry I brought you up here, especially since you feel so much that it was a waste of your life. I think I always knew how you really were but I never experienced it first hand until I lived with you. Again though I am really sorry that things went the way they did and I hope sometime you will talk with me again and forgive me for the way things turned out. I really really wasn't out to destroy your plans or fuck with your life. I really just wanted to help. I'm sorry if you're having trouble believing me. You are still my friend.

Stefen: I'm sorry for always disappointing you and for not being the person I wanted to be for you. You're still with me in my dreams too. I hope I havn't changed for you so much that you wont one day want to work things out, even if just a little bit, between us. Tu est toujours un ombre dans ma vie--jamais tu ne quittera.

All my ffxi friends: I'm sorry that I don't really get to speak with most of you anymore. I have broken my addiction to the game, and I have deleted my account. Maybe someday I will be back, you all had a wonderful affect on my life. You all kept me company before I managed to pick my life back up. You kept my loneliness at bay while I struggled with first moving up to BC. I hope I'm not easily forgotten.


I think my resolution for this new year is probably the same as what it usually is...to try and be as happy as I can.

9/09/2005

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I got a haircut, I really like it :D

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And I got my bunny tattoo finally. This is a bad pic of it though it gives you the idea.

8/02/2005

another attempt

Alright, so I'm hiding out at my sisters apartment for a few hours, for reasons I will get at in a min. So I thought since she has a computer here I'd try to make another update. Always stuff happening and I just don't get around to making enough posts to keep all you readers up to date with my life lol. But this is possibly the shitiest laptop I've ever been on, so I really hope this post actually goes through. Plus its really annoying, this is the first time since I've been here (I've been here for several hours now) that I've been able to get onto this website, and just now my sister (who was working before) comes home with my little brother, so now its extremely noisy and rather annoying around here. I have a feeling I will lose my train of thought many times. Anyways as to why I'm hiding out here for what I was hoping would only be a few hours (though now that my sister is home with little brother they prolly wont be going back to the house tonight so I might get stuck spending the night here), was because today was supposed to be my day off, along with tomorrow ( a very rare thing to have not only two days off in a week but also two days off in a row) but I noticed the other morning that Dana (who is not in good moods with me right now which I might get to as to why in a bit) had changed things around a bit, and made it so I only have tomorrow off this week and that I was supposed to close the place tonight. I'm feeling rather tired, though I'm sure i could make it through a night of work if I tried. I just didn't want to. So I pretended like I didn't notice the schedule change, and so I didn't want to be around the house around the time that I was supposed to work, because I knew they would call, and I wouldn't be able to ask anyone (especially step mother who always manages to answer the phone) to say 'she's not here right now' when they did call. So I didn't want to be there, because I knew if they got me on the phone and said 'you're supposed to be working' I wouldn't be able to give any valid reasons as to why I wouldn't come in tonight even though to my knowledge (or pretended such) i wasn't supposed to work tonight. I'm so sneaky, arn't I?? LoL

Anyways, I can't remember how far in my last post I went on about school, and really I could go on about it for a long long time, so let me try to put it down to whats actually up, right now. I finished that dinky stuff at the college up here, but I hated it all and I don't feel like it will help me much at all, unless I was to stay up here for the rest of my life. It wasn't the certificate that I wanted at all, and I'm so not happy with it, so i really should go back to college to get what i really wanted in the first place. But I don't know how any of it will happen, because as of right now I have no actual plans to move anywhere else, just to stay here and continue saving up money, and I wouldn't be able to go back to school here, because obviously they're a bunch of asstards and don't offer me what I actually want. So maybe once I have plans to move somewhere else, I can look into going back to school there.

Then there was my birthday. I'm now 20 years old, isn't that crazy? I feel so mature now lol. I was supposed to work on the actual day of my birthday. I saw supposed. I had the two n ights before my birthday though off work, and so Meaghan, her boyfriend and myself....*stops for a big arguement between Kenneth and Megs...gawd I want to go home already* Anyways the 3 of us, was supposed to be 4 of us but the Glenn guy (who they were trying to hook me up with) never ended up coming (in which I was disappointed at the time, but now am very glad) went out to Grande Prairie and rented a hotel for a night. We bar hopped for a bit until we found one that was fairly popular and we got very much drunk. At the time, Cory (Megs bf) and megs weren't actually 'together' so it was rather fun joking and chatting with him about how much he wanted to be with Meaghan. Anyways, despite how drunk we all got, I was again (this is a typical thing) the only person who wasn't hung over. We drove back to Fort St. John the next day(my birthday), and I passed out for an hour or two before I was supposed to work since none of us got much sleep in Grande Prairie. Then I went in for work, and Zack warned me as I walked in that something possibly bad was about to happen.

So yeah I come out of the change room and the girls are all huddled together, and when I come in front of them, they all start clapping and in front of a pub full of maybe 30 or 40 people started singing happy birthday to me. Then Lenny comes around the corner with a giant glass vase full of 6 dozen roses all of different colors. And there in front of all the guests and all of our coworkers asked me out on a date. I will go into this part later on. So before I even get one table, Ron tells me that they don't actually need me to work for the night, and I said i didn't mind working since megs had gone into work and I'd really have nowhere to go except for back home and do nothing. So he suggests I sit down and they buy me something to eat. So I got changed again and sat down, and they brought me out a martini. As I was drinking that, the two Friday delivery guys Derryl and Jim sat with me (as they come up every Friday and have to spend the night at the hotel across the road, so they drink the night away) and each started buying me drinks. I think between the two of them they bought me 20 shots. As the night progressed I got extremely drunk (especially since I had never really recovered from drinking out in Grande Prairiethe night before lol) and each girl that was working that night each bought me a martini. I never did get that 'something to eat' that ron promised, but I was soooo sooo sooo drunk I had to call megs to come pick me up once she got off work, and she came and sat with us. I say us not only including the two delivery boys because as each person that was working there that night got off work they came and sat with us. So by the time we closed the bar, everyone was sitting together at one giant table. Everyone that worked that night, plus my sister, and two deliver guys. And drunk. I was so drunk I was just wandering around the place hugging everyone and going 'Happy Birthday!!!' I was so smiling and happy, I really showed a side of me to everyone at work that they've never seen before. They said they loved it and how I was. And its been extremely noticable since that night that I am now way more open and way more happy and chatty. I'm just comfortable around the place now. It's great.

So yeah, Lenny. He has apparently liked me since I started working there. Everyone tells me that he must have liked me just because I was nice to him. Apparently girls arn't nice to him very often. Or talk to him, or any of that stuff. Lenny, he is (I'm not sure if I mentioned anything about him in previous posts so i will say so now) not unnattractive...well he's not butt ugly, but hes not attractive lol. He's tall and muscular, but has a dirty look to him, and his front teeth are rotten, and he has the mind of a 10 year old. Very immature and no attention span at all. But I've n ever done anything or said anything to him that would make any normal person fall in love with me, though it did him. He apparently, without me even knowing he liked me had everyone convinced that i liked him as well and that we were practically dating. Then he does this stunt on my birthday and puts me on the spot in front of so many people and asks me on a date. It was only because I didn't want to hurt his feelings in front of so many people that I said yes. But let me tell you, the date we went on the next night was the most horrible date I've ever gone on. It was just so bad. We went out after our bar closed and we were both off work. But by that hour, the only place open is Boston Pizza (and at that hour the only people besides us that went there are the drunks that had to leave the bars). I'm dead tired, from two nights of getting shitfaced and not getting hardly any sleep and then a 10 hour shift of work. All i could think about is how badly I wanted to sleep, and I mentioned this several times. Someone in their right mind would have said 'lets do this some other time you look like you need some rest' but he was just so anxious to go on a date that he wouldn't let me slip I guess. And the whole 'date' all he did was talk about himself and how great he is and how he can get anything he wants because he's just that good. And every word he said, came out to me 'I'm full of shit'. And no matter how horribly placed I looked the whole time, he made no move to end the date, and so finally I had to ask the waitress to call me a cab when she came to refill our drinks. Oh I think I forgot to mention, that at this point, in 6 days from my birthday he was supposed to move back to Grande Prairie. So after that horrible 'date' I figured it wouldn't matter because he was going to leave in a few days and I wouldn't have to worry about him anymore. But every day after that night until the day he left, he nagged and followed me around work and just plain ol annoyed the hell out of me trying to get me to go on another date with him. Every time I saw him he would say something like 'well what are you doing tonight? tomorrow?' 'what about the day after?' 'the night i'm leaving i might come in to see you' 'well if this week isn't good for you I can come back up and stay with you on weekends' I was so fucking annoyed I can't even describe it anymore than that. Finally the day he was supposed to leave, he was also supposed to come in and drink with everyone and say his 'goodbye's but he started bugging me again and i'd had about as much of him as I could handle, so I took h im to the side and straight out told him t hat I didn't like him. He had this crazily dumbfounded look on his face and was just kinda like 'oh' and shortly after he left instead of staying to drink like he was planning before. i felt bad for hurting him, but I guess I really had to do it.

Well I'm going to try and send this now just in case it doesn't send, I will be so pissed if I had any more than this in and it didn't send. actually looking at all i've typed right now i think I'll be pissed if this doesn't send, but I'm going to try. Then I will have more time soon to type more later, especially if I end up staying here the night *groan*

7/13/2005

Behold

Here's something you've probably never heard me post before : I'm well overdue for an update. LOL
I really need to stop procrastinating on make new posts because by the time I get around to posting I have so many things that I had wanted to post about that I don't know where to start and about half the stuff I wanted to say wont get said. But I guess I'll try my best.

I guess I'll start first with school. I really didn't finish school with what I had wanted when I first signed up for the program in Calgary. It truly feels like moving up here for the last 7 months has been a waste of time in my life. I shoudl have just not signed up for another semester, and just worked for a bit and found a better place to live in in Calgary until I was ready to go back to school. The fact that emotionally I prolly wasn't ready to continue with what I was doing would most likely be the main reason as to why I didn't do so well in classes. Though also as posted in previous posts, the actual style of school was far too different up here too. And the teachers were half crazy I swear. So anyways, I ended up dropping the entire accounting part of my course for the semester I took up here. So when I did finish school up here, I didn't finish with anything even remotely close to what I had wanted. So though I can probably use the certificate I got from this semester up here to get me some weird sort of office job, that I could work for a bit as experience of something, its not what I want to do, and I know I must go back to school to get what I really want. But I wont dare go back to school up here. The best choice might be to continue where I left off in Calgary, and get the actual diploma I had originally wanted. But I'm not sure if I actually want to do that now. I'm not sure. I know I should go back to school, but theres also the option of taking accounting stuff online. I guess we'll see how things go. I think I just want to focus right now on finding a place to live and once I'm settled in with my life, then possibly go back to school.

Hrm, I meant to go on about so much much more other stuff, but after I typed that last paragraph I got talking to RJ for a really long time, and now I'm too tired to get my brain working to talk about all the other stuff I wanted to say. I'm leaving to go to Calgary the day after tomorrow for consultation on the surgery I need to have. Once I get back I'll *try* to get some more posted. I know I can be so lazy when it comes to posting. Sorry. This time...blame RJ lol
g'night

6/20/2005

Grad Photo

Even though I didn't exactly graduate with what I wanted, and I will therefore be going back to school sometime in the close future...here is one of the grad photos from this semester/year of college for me.
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Its not that great, and the photography company sucks, everyone in my class had their pictures come out looking like they were sunburnt. But oh well. What else would you expect from a photography company in a hick town like this...

6/10/2005

Those moments

Lol Alex sent me some old logs he'd kept of me on AoD when I'd been under the influence of...stuff lol. Anyways prolly wont make any sense to anyone who doesn't know aod but here it is:


Kung-Fu Jesus - Life == Awesome says:
[PARTY] Hitaru: I remember going to bed and you were like
what are you doing, and I was like, I'm stripping for you
baby
[PARTY] Juele: me an u slept together that night
[PARTY] Tycho: ooooOOOOOooo
[PARTY] Tycho: how was he?
[PARTY] Juele: bah he wouldn't get me a glass of water when
I asked for it
[PARTY] Hitaru: long story
[PARTY] Juele: and then I groaned
[PARTY] Juele: and he said I was making weird noises
[PARTY] Hitaru: she was moaning all night
Kung-Fu Jesus - Life == Awesome says:
[Ring] Juele: valyri and canti are having mud sex in the orc area
[Ring] Hitaru: !!!!!!
[Ring] Juele: i saw them
Kung-Fu Jesus - Life == Awesome says:
Tycho says: Juele tells you: hitaru and I don't want you to leave
*You look at Juele and roll on the floor laughing.
You tell Juele: your stoned legs =p
Juele tells you: cuz we wuv u
Juele tells you: my legs aren't stoned, they are sleeping
Kung-Fu Jesus - Life == Awesome says:
Tycho says: Hitaru tells you: lmao check this out
Hitaru tells you: [Ring] Juele: he's all badass and is liek
'ok give me a rubber band, a straw and a squirrel' and voila
there a bong
Kung-Fu Jesus - Life == Awesome says:
[Ring] Juele: what were we saying?
[Ring] Hitaru: what
[Ring] Juele: huh?
[Ring] Hitaru: what
Kung-Fu Jesus - Life == Awesome says:
Tycho winks and says: Juele tells you: come party with us
You tell Juele: im with night =p
Juele tells you: think about it, our party has 2
more sets of boobs than
night's party does

5/30/2005

foolin around

Though I'm sure I have alot of things to say I really don't feel like going into any of it, and so to lighten the mood, I was fooling around with my camera, with my sisters, in one of the bathrooms the other night. Here are the results

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From these I can conclude, Meaghan (one in white shirt) likes the wonderwoman hands on hips pose, I can't ever get rid of my red eye because my eyes are just too pale of a blue, and mallory is really pretty. But for all you guys, she's way too young for you, so forget it :P

5/10/2005

Time magically ticks on

I guess its well time for an update. I had meant to make a post the night following my last one to show off my new haircut, but that ended up going rather badly. The girl i ended up getting barely spoke any english it seemed, and I couldn't understand a thing she said. She apparently must have felt the same way because she did not do what I asked her to. I had wanted to get a few inches off the main part, so that it'd still be long and for her to put deep layers all the way through. Not only did she not wash my hair because she didn't feel it was necessary even though I told her I believe I did since I'd been working the night before and hadn't had a chance to wash it. She complained that my hair was too dry because I apparently wash it too much. Then she cut off the 2 inches with a razor, saying it would give the layering effect that I wanted. Then went on this big speal about how my hair is too long to do anything with. Then she left because her shift was over, and it had felt like she had rushed me through the whole thing. My hair basically looked like I'd just randomly decided to start hacking at it with a butter knife. So yeah, I was very unhappy and they noticed as i went out too. They wouldn't charge me and said I could come back the next day for the same girl for free to let her 'fix it how I wanted'. I turned them down thinking that if she couldn't do what I wanted the first time, she'd already taken off several inches, I didn't want her anywhere near my hair now. All in all, I didn't feel it was picture material, and once I finish school and work more hours, I might go in and request a different girl do the layering I want, and prolly get some highlights in.

My job is still great right now. I love the work and the pay is nice. Once i finish school I plan to continue working there, with more hours, over the summer until I'm ready to move. Hopefully that'll allow me to have the money i need saved for a move back to real civilization, and as well to get my surgery (I wont go into the surgery right now, I'll talk about it more when I have more information on it)

School was getting very wearily horrible to the point I'd lost all hope in it and didn't think I'd finish any of the stuff i was behind in with the fact that as of today there are only 2 weeks left before practicum. Mostly I was just worried about accounting, as I havn't even started the simulation that holds the major part of our accounting mark, and most said it'd take at least 4 weeks to do it. I must admit that I've been very slack with doing some of the homeworks because I've been so uninterested in alot of the stuff because of the change in the material from the transfer from up here. Even more so with accounting since from the start I totally disliked my accounting teacher. She seems like a total crackwhore and she doesn't listen or think or anything. She's only come about half the classes since I've arrived, and every day she has shown up for she's been late. She told me when I first arrived that I'd already had to have to do a huge amount of work for her to be at par with everyone else in my class. So I was automatically behind, and since the material/content seemed so different than what it was in Alberta, it made catching up really hard. especially since she told me she didn't have the time to teach me the stuff and that I'd have to just go with it on my own. I have just been so despaired with it knowing I wouldn't be able to finish it all before practicum.

And the worst of it was that I was gonna actually attempt to look at it last week and just ground myself from anything fun to focus on it and hopefully get what everyone was saying would take me 4 weeks at least to do, done in 3 weeks. But last week I got a bad eye infection and it made even just keeping my eyes open for most of the time too hurtful. Couldn't focus on it at all.

So anyways, I had a talk with the head of the program this morning when I returned to school. I told her that I know I like accounting, and that I always have, but since I had arrived here I did not like it, and that I told her it would be impossible for me to finish the accounting part of the program. So she offered me the fact to graduate without the accounting. I'd still get the certificate, it just wouldn't include the accounting. I told her, that I planned to continue with accounting later, which I now do in a year or two since I know I wont be finishing it this year, so this idea wasn't bad for me. I'd just get it later on. So yeah now I have a whole lto of weight off my shoulders, and I have 2 weeks to focus on the rest of my programs and get them done. I'm sure I can get the rest done. I know this is totally me admitting defeat and failing at something and all that stuff. It's not something that normally happens to me, I always pull through. But it had just started off BAD and only got worse. It got to the point where I just didn't care about it anymore, and I hope the fact that I will make up for this either this fall or the fall after makes up for this failure.

Anyways, I was going to post a whole blurb about relationship stuff, but Its late I have class in the morning, and I'm sunburnt from a day in the sun, and just chatting about something with a certain someone <3 is kinda putting me in a bad mood. plus my computer is making some dumb noise, i hope it explodes and puts me out of my misery. So I'll end it here. Goodnight

4/19/2005

Uniform

Here's a pic of me in my uniform at East Side. I think it's kinda sexy. Both pants and top are what I'd wear to a club or out anywhere. ^^
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Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut!! I'll get a pic of that I promise

4/17/2005

~It's 3AM I must be lonely~

It's not actually 3am, but 2:32, though most likely it will be 3am by the time I finish this post. I'm not really sure what I'm going to talk about, I just felt a need to post. This usually happens when I'm overly tired (too tired to do anything productive) but can't manage to fall asleep. That probably means that alot of my posts are just random ramblings, but its still good to get stuff out and it will help me ready to fall asleep.

Work last night sucked so badly. I made mistakes in orders on something like 3 in a row, and I was feeling like a total idiot and with the angry customers moreso feeling like shit. It was bad enough to the point that I didn't want to go to work today. But I did, and it was actually a good day. Well it sucked that I was there most of the day from the tiem I got out of bed, but I didn't make any mistakes, and had mostly nice customers. And the tips were great. I made again over a hundred dollars not counting my wage. It's kinda funny too having guys hit on me left right and center (customers and employees both). I never thought I'd be in a status where I would be regarded as a girly figure that deserved hrm...'appreciation'. I'm sure everyone hits on the actually pretty girls I work with 10x more than myself, but just the fact that I'm not excluded from the whole deal is new to me. I'm feeling really good about myself recently. I hope I continue to lose weight like I have been, and when I get my haircut next week, everything is gonna be fun :P

Having sent a random message to someone on my msn list that I hadn't spoken to in over a year I started to do that whole memory lane thing yet again. Apparently Jungle came back up again and has been doing well for the last little bit, and surprisingly a good sum of the playerbase previously had returned to check it out. And the guy I was speaking with was actually admin and helping keep the place balanced. Some people had been asking about me, but hadn't been able to get in contact with me to get me to come back, because the few that had my contact were busy at the time. Mentioned that I'd prolly log in to check the place out once again, I discovered that it went down that very day, and from my checkups hasn't come back up since. Not that I'd get back into mudding again but I felt suddenly like talking again with people I've missed in the last year or two or three. This of course led me back to AoD again.

I remember the first time I retired on there I came back to find that half of the 120 people on my friends list had disappeared. Well since my current retirement, just checking now I see that about 27 or the 60 remaining friends have also disappeared. The majority of the rest havn't been logged in for 51 or so weeks. It wouldn't seem to bad I guess if I continuously placed that game still, but I don't and barely know anyone who is still on there. The gameplay got boring so fast on there and not much was really left on there but to chat with friends, and that is gone basically now too. Out of anyone tho that i'd liek to talk with normally (tho I don't talk with them normally) are for the most part on my msn or aim list.Some such as Shadow are not and I miss him and others. This then led me to checking out the billions of contacts I have on my msn and aim as well as their profiles.

It's sad that everyone on my contact lists have at some point within the last 9 years been close friends in my life and whatever revolved around my life at that time, and yet I talk with none of them now safe for the recently added buddies from current affairs in my life. I've been trying to say at least hello to these golden friends of mine over the past few days, tho most havn't been available to talk. Others have been quite surprised to hear from me. Fun as always to catch up. I will most likely continue to catch up on oldies over the next few weeks, especially as I'm doing this powerpoint presentation for my class about a topic of my choice, which just so happens to be about meeting people online. Have been going through old pictures (bad for myself as I am so relieved I'm looking a lot prettier nowadays) and have been wowed by memories. One of the longest catchup I've found myself into has been Feklar. It surprised me that he still remembers me, as well as still adores Cam and I just the same as we did him when Cam first introduced me to him. Not to say I do not adore him now, but it's more to say that I hadn't really thought much on that past in a while. He now wants me to plan a trip out to the UK this summer. it would be cool, and I have other friends out there that have been trying to get me out to visit for a few years now. But I don't have the money or want to really explore the world at this time. Well I'm up for adventure of my own, but at the same time I kinda want that adventure to revolve around me finding a home for myself. Talking to him tho reminded me of all the good times I had hanging out with Cam way back when. He even sent me old pictures that even I don't have on my computer anymore (of course I wouldn't since I had to format the comp three times and sean delted old memory on my digital camera). I wish could go back to the old times when Cam and I used to hang out and do the craziest things ever. Getting each other jobs, sleeping out or over to each others, sneaking into that 18+ underground place, then going to the underground cafe or House Sanctuary every day after school, movies each friday until they closed that theatre down, wandering around Bowness like it was actually safe( good thing Cam wasn't around when I was attacked), flirting with all those guys, being totally rebellious in school yet doing so well and graduating(did you not think it weird that Cam and I didn't sit together at grad convocation? I guess thats when things started to go different between us. But that night was still wow. I remember being so depressed that night, or more so feeling lonely, but after the dance you didn't leave my side, and we drunkened ourselves up at one of the house parties, then left without a word and wandered the city in our totally hawt dresses. We somehow made it to your house then to Alexis' and then walked all the way to Bowness. We barely managed a few hours of sleep then we hoped onto a bus still feeling buzzed from lack of sleep and the bit of alcohol, then got out navals pierced. Taking art together with all those snobfaces and totally rocking them with our artistic talent (when we weren't skipping lol). We never got into the drama with anyone in particular which kinda made us friends with everyone, but together we gossiped forever and ever about everyone lol. Good times...so many of them.

One thing about my gaming or rather online experiences is that I'm always the last to let go on things. I don't like to see people distance themselves or separate from the group of current friends I accumulate I guess. Thats probably not a good way to describe it I guess, but as its now 3:20 and I'm more than tired, thats all I can come up with. After the great nuking on AoD and the majority of my friends left (forcefully) I still stuck around for 2 or 3 years after, playing and making new friends, tho very slowly growing a distaste for the place and realizing that which everyone who had already left had realized long before. I took a break before actually leaving there in which I spent my time on Jungle and made a whole new group of friends where I even went as far as to meet the people in a mud party in southern US. Then after everyone left there I returned once again to AoD. Alot of the gang went to SoA after AoD and by the time I got into that phase most people had lost the glamoured thought of building a huge lovely mud of their own. It kinda goes like that, and I went as far as to get FFXI to be closer to friends and gaming with them again. Though of course by the time I got the game, everyone else had already had it for like a year. Xerlic was already even a lvl 75 bard. It took me some time to adjust to the game and the gameplay and slowly I've grown into the spot where I love the game and could never go back to something like a mud. But I havn't even been playing for a year as everyone else had been when I started. So the glamour and fun is all still there in the game for me. Thats another thing, since I mentioned the word fun, I think I compared to most actually play the game for fun and only do things that are fun. Everyone else is so hardcore and will do all this stuff even if its making them depressed. Anyways, while I'm finding myself at the peak of my ffxi adventures, all the friends I've managed to gather for myself and adore are alot at the points where they themslves have had enough with the game. Just recently alot of them have started talking about leaving teh game and some have already gone and canceled their IDs for the game.
Its sad, or at least it makes me feel sad. How long will I continue to play the game before I too feel the lack of desire for the game? Going by the time everyone else went by, I still have at least a year to go, but will I maybe lose interest alot faster now that all the people I care about in the game are talking about and planning to leave?

Whats the worst is that all these friends that I've made on my own in the game and have grown to care about so much for, I'm now realizing that in a matter of a year or two, will just be those old names on the contact lists of my msn and aim that I no longer talk to. And some day 5 years from now I will message one of them and be like 'Hey hows it going?' 'wow long time no talk?' 'yea what you up to these days?' 'oh you know the usual' but I wont know the usual because I wont know these people anymore. Its depressing considering that I don't want to lose closeness with some of these friends.

But I guess it will happen and theres nothing I can do about it, cuz its not something youplan, it just happens. -.-